How to Flirt
by lilgonsan
Summary: Grimmjow wants Ulquiorra to like him back. Who knew he'd find all he needed to win Ulquiorra's heart within a book he found in Kurosaki's bedroom. AU-ish for the fact that they're friendly with Ichigo. GrimmUlqui. Onesided GrimmIchi. Multi-chaptered.
1. Chapter 1

Yay! A Bleach fic! This will be a humor/romance story, and there will be some super special awesome yaoi involved. The Pairing is GrimmUlqui, so if you like that then have lots of fun reading. If you don't like that, then I have a question for you: WHY THE FLUFF ARE YOU HERE?

Sorry about that. I guess I got a little carried away. Anyway, please R&R.

**Warnings: **Yaoi, some mild language, and A/R(Alternate reality). Grimmjow wears his uniform the _right_ way in this story, meaning that he zips up his jacket and wears his hakama correctly. Sad, but I'm doing that for an idea I have for a later chapter.

**Disclaimer: **Last time I checked, my name wasn't Tite Kubo, so no, I don't own Bleach. I do own a Byakuya and Gin plushie, but thats about it.

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><p><em><strong>How to Flirt<strong>_

_Chapter 1_

Ichigo felt very lonely being in his room all day, but he'd rather face severe boredom than getting kicked in the face by his crazy father. He really did love his dad, but the man could be a bit over-bearing at times. He had been spending time with one of his best friends, Renji Abarai, earlier, but the red-haired shinigami had suddenly jumped out of his bedroom window, asking the teen to watch his book for him.

He thought Renji could be so stupid sometimes. It wasn't like the book was going to sprout legs and walk away. Considering his life, though, that wasn't exactly too far down on his list of seemingly impossible possibilities. Ichigo had started this list after his first trip to the Soul Society, mainly because of the whole Aizen scandal.

When Aizen he betrayed the Soul Society everyone thought that he left to Hueco Mundo to become god of everything. They were so sure that he was going to attack them with a vast army of dangerous hollows. Surprisingly, they were a bit far from what Aizen's plans really were. The man had became the ruler of Hueco Mundo, but he never attacked them with a deadly army of hollows. He had went to Hueco Mundo, turned a whole bunch of hollows into Arrancar, and then he claimed that they were his children. Yeah, Ichigo thought that was kind of strange. If_ he_ had a huge group of Arrancar at his disposal, he would've done something more exciting. He didn't care too much, though. He was perfectly fine with not getting into a gargantuan war.

Ichigo remembered the day that he had met two Arrancar. One was a short male with dark hair, green eyes, and an almost deathly shade of pale skin. His name was Ulquiorra Cifer, and if Ichigo didn't know any better, he would have called the shorter male 'Emo'.

The orange-haired teen figured out that Ulquiorra was definitely not 'Emo'. Calling him emo would be implying that the green-eyed Espada showed a wide variety of emotions, which was a far cry from the truth. Ulquiorra was more stoic and emotionless than Byakuya Kuchiki, and that was really saying something.

The other Arrancar Ichigo had met on that fateful day was the Sexta Espada, Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez. He could tell that the blue-haired male was going to be a handful the minute he laid eyes on him.

Ichigo had been slightly intimidated by their huge spiritual pressures at first, but that feeling soon faded once he got to know them better.

_"Hey, Kurosaki, are you listening to me? I asked you to tell me how to make this damned thing work already," _this had been Grimmjow.

_"Excuse me, Ichigo, but what is this 'Yaoi' that Inoue keeps mentioning?" _and that had been Ulquiorra.

They didn't know much about the human world, and Ichigo, due to the oh-so brilliant luck that he had, was forced to teach them about human life. During those lessons (Ulquiorra liked to call them that), he'd grown rather close to the two Espadas, and he was especially fond of Grimmjow. Ichigo would never willingly admit this, but he had Rukia and Orihime would call a 'crush' on the Sexta Espada. He rarely thought of those feelings, hadn't mattered anyway because in his eyes, it was a lost cause.

Shortly after Ichigo had sat down on his bed, he'd heard a strange noise that coming from his window. "Damn, it's like Ulquiorra doesn't even notice the passes I make," Grimmjow sighed as he jumped through Ichigo's now open window. He had made himself at home by sitting down on the chair the teen had by the desk.

The substitute shinigami frowned, "You blue-haired freak! How many times have I told you not to just break into my room whenever you feel like it?" He glared at the Arrancar who seemed intent on making his life a living hell. Ichigo swore that Grimmjow was the biggest douche-bag/asshole that he had ever met. Despite this, Ichigo still had feelings for him.

"I don't know. Seriously, Kurosaki, I need your help. I didn't come here to play games and screw around," Grimmjow turned toward the teen, dreading what younger male might say. Kurosaki had been quite pissy as of light and the Sexta really wasn't sure why.

Ichigo scratched the back of his head, deciding to forget about the anger he had felt toward his blue-haired friend just moments before, "I'm not a romance expert, Grimmjow. Go ask someone who knows about this crap."

The bluenette ignored him and grinned as his eyes traveled from Ichigo's frowning face to a colorful book that was placed on the orange-haired teen's bed. "What's that?" he gestured toward the book as he read the large words printed on the cover_. _How to Flirt. He thought that was a _very _interesting name.

"It's a book, dumbass," Ichigo said as he snatched the item away from Grimmjow's view.

"What's it about?"

"None of your damn business."

"Tch, whatever. I already read the title: How to Flirt. Are you really that desperate, _Strawberry_?" He smirked at the looked of pure distaste ecthed on Ichigo's face. Even though the two males were close friends, Grimmjow found that it was very fun to get on the teen's nerves.

Ichigo threw the book at him, his ever present scowl deepening, "Says the guy who came to me with his 'boy problems'. Anyway, why don't you take the book, you need it a hell of a lot more than I do."

"Shut up, Ichigo." Although he said that, what he really meant was thanks, but Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez thanked no one. Plus, Ichigo had kind of insulted him. The blue-haired male opened the book and began to read.

**_Introduction_**

If you're reading this, you probably have a terrible love life-

'_Hn, yeah right. I'm so sexy that I could get whoever I want. I Just don't want to. Stupid book!' _

The tips given in this book have been proven to work. So, just follow our tips on how to flirt, and the one you love will be yours in no time.

_**Tip #1**_

Show this person how funny you are. Everybody loves someone with a good sense of humor.

Grimmjow contemplated on whether or not he should actually try that. He shrugged, "Why the hell not?" The Sexta closed the book and grinned deviously. He was going to have a lot of fun testing out those tips on Ulquiorra.

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><p>So, what did you think? Should I continue? Was it good? Did it suck crap? Please leave a review! I'll update soon since I already have chapter two written in my notebook. All I need to do now is type it up.<p>

Also, I'm kind of in need of a Beta, so if you'd like to Beta my stories let me know. My stories aren't scary or anything. All I have are a few GrimmUlqui's(including this one) and a GrimmIchi. Please? I will love you forever if you became my Beta.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: **Hey guys! Sorry For taking so long to update. I was in a place that didn't have a computer -_- ... Anyways, I'm back! Also, this story was (slightly) inspired by the fantastic GrimmUlqui fanfic _It Hurts So Good_by Yu-Poo-San. It's been a while since they've updated, and I have a feeling that they never will, but I still got my hopes up. It's a really great story, and if you haven't read it yet, then you probably should.

**Warnings: **Language, maybe some OOC-ness(sorry!), yaoi.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Bleach :'(

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><p><strong><em>How to Flirt<em>**

_Chapter 2_

Grimmjow made his way down one of the many hallways in Las Noches holding on to the book he received from Ichigo. He was very curious about what else the book advised him to do, but first he had to find a quiet place to draft up jokes.

As he turned the corner he noticed a spoon shaped shadow coming toward him. "Nnoitra, what the hell do you want?" he hissed at the freakishly tall, black-haired male.

Nnoitra leaned against the wall and stared down at Grimmjow, "I was just walking around. What's with your attitude? Did someone step on your little kitty tail?

The shorter male shoved the Quinta when he walked up to him, "Leave me alone, asshole. I'm not in the mood to deal with your kind."

"Aw, having mood swings already? What's next, uncontrollable urges?" he leered at the blue-haired Arrancar.

"Shut the fuck up."

"Why do you have a book called How to Flirt? Can't get laid or something?" Nnoitra asked the fuming Sexta, ignoring his previous demand of telling him to shut up.

Grimmjow merely shot a death glare in the taller male's direction.

"Whatever, I don't care," Nnoitra sneered at him.

"If you don't care then why the hell did you ask?"

"I don't have to answer to you, Sexta, now calm your ass down and quit acting like a little bitch."

The bluenette continued to glare at Nnoitra who was donning his infamous shit-eating grin. "There, now that's a good kitty," Nnoitra cooed at the azure-eyed male.

"Don't call me a kitty you damn spoon!" Grimmjow was easily angered by Nnoitra's teasing comments, but the taller male couldn't help it; the Sexta made making fun of him too damn hilarious.

The Quinta cackled in a way that many would consider maniacal, "Haha, you're so original when you come up with insults. I've _never_ been called a spoon before!" The sarcasm in his voice only served to infuriate Grimmjow even more.

"I don't have time for your bullshit. I need to come up with good jokes," Grimmjow's facial expression changed from pure rage to slight nervousness almost instantly. This amused Nnoitra because a nervous Sexta Espada was unheard of.

The black-haired male leaned down and slung an arm carelessly around Grimmjow's shoulders, "Well, I don't know if you knew this, but I happen to be a comical genius. I've told a few hysterical gutbusters in my day, and I'm pretty sure that I still got it." Nnoitra proceeded to smirk pompously at the shorter male.

Grimmjow got over his previous annoyance and asked, "May you share some of these jokes with me?" Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez _rarely _asked anyone for anything in such polite manner, but hey, sweeping Ulquiorra off of his feet was kind of important to him, so he'd suck up his pride if it meant getting Ulquiorra to like him.

Nnoitra's shit-eating grin grew impossibly larger, "Anything for you, my dear friend." For some odd reason Grimmjow didn't want to trust a damn thing that came out of that perverted bastard's mouth, especially since the two were never really friends to begin with. He assumed things between them were less tense since he forgave Nnoitra for dying his hair hot pink, although he had only done this after he shaved off half of Nnoitra's hair and his eyebrow. Hopefully Nnoitra would have no hard feelings.

He prayed to that fuckface, Aizen, that Nnoitra wouldn't hold a grudge and screw him over with the jokes he would soon supply him with.

Unbeknownst to Grimmjow, the Quinta already had an evil plot brewing in that perverted, twisted, psychopathic, sadistic head of his.

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><p>The Cuarta Espada, Ulquiorra Cifer, cautiously walked down the hallway hoping that no one would see him in this part of Las Noches. He was currently wandering around in the palace of the Octava Espada. Although the Octava was a friend to him, he didn't want the other Arrancar thinking that he too was an overly flamboyant, homosexual male.<p>

Ulquiorra was so not flamboyant.

"Hello Ulquiorra. Did you get the Sexta to ravish you yet?" Szayel questioned the Cuarta as he walked up to him.

He maintained his emotionless expression and replied, "Not _yet_, Szayelaporro. Even if that particular occasion did occur I would not be sharing that kind of information with gossips such as yourself."

"That is a pity, then. After all, there is a reason why he is known as the _Sex_ta Espada," the scientist emphasized the first three letters of Grimmjow's rank and winked at the raven-haired male.

Ulquiorra's eyes widened at the Octava's statement, and he turned to walk away from the lewd male. He figured he would just confront the Sexta and very subtly drop the hint that he wished to mate with him.

Hopefully Grimmjow's idiotic mind would be able to comprehend his actions.

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><p><strong>AN: **Ulquiorra, Nnoitra, and Szayel were introduced in this chapter so YAY! Progress has been made. I'm deeply sorry for any OOC-ness/fail humor/ fail story-telling. I know I'm not good yet, but I am improving. Please review. I love reading about what you guys/girls think of my story. If you have any suggestions please send them in. There will be NO lemon in this, so don't ask for that. This is supposed to be a cute, slightly funny, light-hearted story.

Come one, click the review button down there. You know you want to tell me how good/bad I did. I'd also love some constructive criticism.


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